So, the holidays are just about over and we are approaching the New Year. Now is about when I normally begin serious rumminations about my resolutions for the New Year. Normally I rip off a long list of staggeringly lofty personal and professional goals like finish two novels and two collaborations, sell one novel, sell a novella, get a short story published in Cemetery Dance, sell a novel to a mass-market publisher, run a marathon, open a business, bench press 350lbs, and yes, those are all my goals for 2007 as well. But my biggest goal of the new year is a simple one. I resolve to have more sex. I want to fuck like a twenty-year-old again.
I have discovered over the years that sex is a cure all. My wife starts getting cranky and irritable, some wine and cheese, some cuddling, caressing, a few "I love you's," "You're the most beautiful woman in the world," followed by some passionate love making of the furniture-breaking, walls-cracking variety and all is right with the world. The same goes for when I'm feeling cranky and irritable. Work stress? A quick nooner and I'm ready to take on the world. Feeling depressed because my body isn't getting back into shape fast enough? An energetic love session and I feel like Adonis again. Feel like me and my wife aren't spending enough quality time together and are starting to drift apart? Nooner + candlelight dinner + all-nighter. Mid-life crisis? Depressed because women don't look at me the same way they did six years ago? Nooner + all-nighter+ plus morning sex and I feel like a kid again. Got a bad review? Write a sex scene followed by an all-nighter. Got a rejection letter? Same as previous. Back pain? She's on top. Tired from working and training all day? Oral. Skipped the gym and feeling guilty? Acrobatic with a few strength moves. Kids screaming their heads off and can't get a moment's piece? A quicky in the closet. There's no stopping me, baby!
No more once a day or every other day sex. Every once in a while you've got to go for two or three or four times a day. Ride it until the wheels fall off! When I was in my twenties I had sex three to five times a day, everyday. Then my wife found out about it and things slowed down a bit. When I got divorced I was thirty two years old and I was back to at least two or three times a day almost instantly. When me and my current wife met we always looked dehydrated we were expending so much body fluid. But then came kids, and more work, and more responsibility and things start slowing down to what some people call a normal sex life. I know many couples who think four or five times a week is a lot. Are you kidding me? Thirty times a week is a lot. Four times a week is a minimum. If you aren't making mad passionate love to your woman or man at least four times a week than you are slacking on your pimp'n'. You need to step up your game, playa.
Okay, you're right. Not every man or woman wants to be pounded like a pornstar every day. Not every woman wants romance everyday. Not every man wants sex every day. But how do you know yours doesn't? Because you walked up to her and smacked her on her ass and asked her to meet you in the bedroom? Because you nagged him about how he never does this for you in the bedroom or never does that anymore? Have you tried surprising her with flowers and dinner and a head to toe massage? Have you tried slowly undressing her while kissing every inch of skin as you expose it while telling her how sensuous and lovely she is? Have you tried doing the same to him? Have you tried ripping his clothes off and throwing him down on the kitchen floor? Have you tried doing the same to her, right in the middle of her taking the potroast out of the oven? Have you hired a babysitter and gotten all the kids out of the house, hired a cleaning lady so the house is spotless when she comes home, put on that song she says always reminds her of when the two of you first fell in love, and sweeping her off her feet the minute she steps through the door? Dancing, kissing, and reminiscing about how beautiful you both were the day you first met and how you both look even better now? Have you popped in her favorite porno tape to get her in the mood. No? Well, then you don't really know if your man or woman wants more or not. Do you?
Any therapist or counselor will tell you that a healthy sex life is one of the keys to a healthy relationship. It is also one of the keys to a happy life. I am not advocating sex addiction. Though it is fun there's a price to pay for it just like all addictions. I'm not saying that I'm planning on slipping back down that dark path myself. I'm talking about frequent, passionate, monogamous sex. I'm talking about your woman or man feeling like they are the sexiest human beings on earth because you can't get enough of them. I'm talking about greeting each day with an orgasm and a smile. I'm talking about 2007! Who's with me?