Tuesday, December 26, 2006

More Sex!

So, the holidays are just about over and we are approaching the New Year. Now is about when I normally begin serious rumminations about my resolutions for the New Year. Normally I rip off a long list of staggeringly lofty personal and professional goals like finish two novels and two collaborations, sell one novel, sell a novella, get a short story published in Cemetery Dance, sell a novel to a mass-market publisher, run a marathon, open a business, bench press 350lbs, and yes, those are all my goals for 2007 as well. But my biggest goal of the new year is a simple one. I resolve to have more sex. I want to fuck like a twenty-year-old again.

I have discovered over the years that sex is a cure all. My wife starts getting cranky and irritable, some wine and cheese, some cuddling, caressing, a few "I love you's," "You're the most beautiful woman in the world," followed by some passionate love making of the furniture-breaking, walls-cracking variety and all is right with the world. The same goes for when I'm feeling cranky and irritable. Work stress? A quick nooner and I'm ready to take on the world. Feeling depressed because my body isn't getting back into shape fast enough? An energetic love session and I feel like Adonis again. Feel like me and my wife aren't spending enough quality time together and are starting to drift apart? Nooner + candlelight dinner + all-nighter. Mid-life crisis? Depressed because women don't look at me the same way they did six years ago? Nooner + all-nighter+ plus morning sex and I feel like a kid again. Got a bad review? Write a sex scene followed by an all-nighter. Got a rejection letter? Same as previous. Back pain? She's on top. Tired from working and training all day? Oral. Skipped the gym and feeling guilty? Acrobatic with a few strength moves. Kids screaming their heads off and can't get a moment's piece? A quicky in the closet. There's no stopping me, baby!

No more once a day or every other day sex. Every once in a while you've got to go for two or three or four times a day. Ride it until the wheels fall off! When I was in my twenties I had sex three to five times a day, everyday. Then my wife found out about it and things slowed down a bit. When I got divorced I was thirty two years old and I was back to at least two or three times a day almost instantly. When me and my current wife met we always looked dehydrated we were expending so much body fluid. But then came kids, and more work, and more responsibility and things start slowing down to what some people call a normal sex life. I know many couples who think four or five times a week is a lot. Are you kidding me? Thirty times a week is a lot. Four times a week is a minimum. If you aren't making mad passionate love to your woman or man at least four times a week than you are slacking on your pimp'n'. You need to step up your game, playa.

Okay, you're right. Not every man or woman wants to be pounded like a pornstar every day. Not every woman wants romance everyday. Not every man wants sex every day. But how do you know yours doesn't? Because you walked up to her and smacked her on her ass and asked her to meet you in the bedroom? Because you nagged him about how he never does this for you in the bedroom or never does that anymore? Have you tried surprising her with flowers and dinner and a head to toe massage? Have you tried slowly undressing her while kissing every inch of skin as you expose it while telling her how sensuous and lovely she is? Have you tried doing the same to him? Have you tried ripping his clothes off and throwing him down on the kitchen floor? Have you tried doing the same to her, right in the middle of her taking the potroast out of the oven? Have you hired a babysitter and gotten all the kids out of the house, hired a cleaning lady so the house is spotless when she comes home, put on that song she says always reminds her of when the two of you first fell in love, and sweeping her off her feet the minute she steps through the door? Dancing, kissing, and reminiscing about how beautiful you both were the day you first met and how you both look even better now? Have you popped in her favorite porno tape to get her in the mood. No? Well, then you don't really know if your man or woman wants more or not. Do you?

Any therapist or counselor will tell you that a healthy sex life is one of the keys to a healthy relationship. It is also one of the keys to a happy life. I am not advocating sex addiction. Though it is fun there's a price to pay for it just like all addictions. I'm not saying that I'm planning on slipping back down that dark path myself. I'm talking about frequent, passionate, monogamous sex. I'm talking about your woman or man feeling like they are the sexiest human beings on earth because you can't get enough of them. I'm talking about greeting each day with an orgasm and a smile. I'm talking about 2007! Who's with me?

Saturday, December 16, 2006

The Wounded

We live in a world of walking wounded. There is not a person I know who is not burdened by some type of deep-seated emotional problem rooted in their childhood or some past fucked-up relationship. It is common for men to talk about how screwed up every woman we meet is, how they all seem to be carrying baggage from some past relationship, some long ago man that screwed them over, or some unresolved daddy issues or worse. The battle-scarred woman whose last boyfriend beat her up or cheated on her or verbally abused her or ignored her entirely is so common place as to be a cliche'. Unfortunately, so is the tale of the woman who underwent the same treatment at the hands of a father or step-father or some other man from their past who abused them in some way or another, an uncle, brother, cousin, or neighbor. Even more disturbing is the number of women who have been sexually assaulted by someone close to them at one time or another. And we are left with the pieces of these shattered women trying to put them back together.

We men talk about these women often as if we bare no responsibility for what has happened to them. We bemoan all the "ruined" women out there but what about the ruined men? The men who ruined these women were undoubtedly ruined themselves. And here's something else to consider, each and every one of us may be one of those ruined men. Can any one of us honestly say that there's not some other man out there cursing us for long ago utterly destroying the trust of the woman he has now found himself in a relationship with? Can any one of us honestly say that there is not some woman out there explaining to the new man in her life how her emotions are all screwed up because of something that we did to her? If you've got a clear conscience I'd love to meet you. It would be like meeting Santa Clause because from my experience of the world you are surely a myth.

These wounded women had to come from somewhere. We are the husbands, boyfriends, and fathers that neglected, abused, lied to, cheated on, and ruined the trust and self-esteem of these women and why? I'll tell you why. Because somewhere along the way someone neglected, abused, lied to, cheated on, or otherwise ruined our own self-esteem and capacity for love. That's right. For every woman that you have sat around wishing that you had met before some other man ruined her, there is a woman sitting around wishing that she had met you before your own father, mother, ex-girlfriend or wife ruined you. We have just passed the pain right down the line.

Often, we don't hurt these women intentionally. We just didn't really want to be in a relationship and were in it just for the fun and this woman just got too attached when we told her not too. Or we were still rebounding from our last failed relationship and were emotionally unavailable. Or we had a drug problem or an alcohol problem or a sex addiction or we were workaholics or we couldn't find a job and had never really developed strong work ethics or our own parents screwed us up so bad we really didn't know how to be warm and affectionate. Whatever the reason we have to acknowledge our own culpability in this cycle of emotional destruction. It doesn't matter where it began. The question is where will it end.

I have struggled long and hard to put an end to my own destructive cycle. The hardest thing I've ever had to do was to walk away from a woman I was still desperately in love with because I had nothing but pain to give her but I had to stop the cycle. I didn't want anymore blood on my hands and I was too screwed up to be a friend to her without slipping back into a sexual relationship and other commitments would have made that disastrous. So I had to say goodbye. The damage there was already done though. All I can do is make certain that she will be the last woman that I ever make feel that way.

I have two daughters now. After years and years of seeing first hand the results of poor parenting on women I now have the responsibility of doing better by my own daughters. It is my responsibility to protect them from sexual predators. It is my responsibility to build their self-esteem and let them know how beautiful, talented, and intelligent they are. It is my responsibility to build their character and make them strong, give them the strength to speak their minds and stand up for themselves. It is my responsibility to make sure that they understand how much they are loved so that they never need to go looking for the love they didn't find in their father in the arms of men who will use and abuse them.

I have a son too. I am teaching him about his own responsibility to the women in his life. That men are meant to protect, not to harm. I am teaching him that women are to be adored not used and discarded. I am teaching him that any woman he mistreats will become some other man's problem in the future and that man may then mistreat other women because of the way this woman treated him and that this cycle will become an ever widening ripple until there are no unscarred people left in the world, only the wounded. And one day he will fall in love with one of the wounded and be wounded himself. It happens to all of us. I am married to a wounded woman. She is married to a wounded man. We still wound each other. I will teach him that the challenge will be to stop it right there, to not pass that hurt along. I will tell him that his Dad wasn't able to do that for many years but he has to be stronger than I was. Because every woman that I have ever hurt, whoever loved and trusted me only to be used and discarded, still haunts me. I can't get their faces out of my head. That in the end, I became the most wounded of them all.