Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Twelve Things I'd Hate About You

Okay, so I bared my soul for you. I confessed all of my nastiest most intimate little flaws. Now, because none of you are perfect either, I have put together this little list of things that annoy the hell out of me, things that I'm sure a lot of you do.

1. Yelling. The louder you are, the lower I imagine your IQ to be. It doesn't matter if you are angry at me, the dog, some guy who cut you off in traffic, say it in your indoor voice. And don't yell at me. Ever. It won't end well.

2. Drunk stupid people. Trust me, drunk and stupid are not mutually exclusive. You may think you aren't a stupid drunk but, in the eyes of a sober person, there are no wise drunks. You look like an idiot when you are staggering around, giggling, with that lopsided smile, slurring your words. Drunk giggly girls are probably the only things guaranteed to kill my erection. Dead kittens are sexier.

3. People with no opinions on anything or people who have opinions that they cannot back up with reasons, evidence, and arguments. If you can't logically defend your opinions than you should probably keep them to yourself. Remember the old saying, "Stay quiet and people may mistake your silence for wisdom. Open your mouth and you remove all doubt." Take that to heart.

4. People who don't read. If you haven't read a book since high school then, despite my best efforts, I will probably judge you i.e. consider you an ignoramus. And, despite what you might believe about "street smarts" or "common sense", I'd probably be right.

5. Americans who cannot speak proper English. If English is not your second language than you should be able to pronounce it. Slang has its place. When I'm with my friends from the neighborhood I tend to slip back into the neighborhood dialect. When I'm around people I don't know, I'd prefer they thought I was somewhat intelligent.

6. Animal prints outside of the bedroom. If you have a pair of tiger print boxers or a leopard print nightie, that's your business. Tiger print bra and panties might even be sexy. But if you're wearing zebra striped tights or a blouse with a giraffe print, you are not going anywhere with me.

7. Prudes. If sex is disgusting to you then you're probably irritating to me.

8. Drug users. If you look at pot-heads, crack-heads, junkies, and meth addicts and see a lifestyle you want to emulate then please, do not reproduce. The gene pool is better off without you.

9. Undisciplined kids. If your kids are rude, ignorant, disrespectful little brats that you can't control then please, keep them the hell away from me.

10. Hoarders. One cat is cute. half a dozen or more is a psychological disorder.

11. Conservatives. No explanation necessary.

12. Religious Fundamentalists. I find you both ridiculous and annoying.

So, you can pick your nose, your scabs, the crack of your ass, leave your underwear all over the floor, and leave the cap off the toothpaste. Nothing I can't deal with. Just don't get drunk, snort coke, and vote against gay rights, while wearing zebra stripes, and yelling about Jesus at the top of your lungs in a room full of cats and bratty kids. You may very well get shot and wind up in a pit of lye in the backyard.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Twelve Things You'd Hate About Me

At MoCon this year we did a panel on how much you should tell your readers about yourself on your blog. How much do readers really need to know about your personal life and when have you just said way too much? Well, one of the things that I believe my readers appreciate in my work is my emotional and intellectual honesty. I don't hold anything back. For those of you who have followed this blog for the last few years you know that I am the same way on here. I tell everything I am thinking or feeling, for better or for worse. If you read this blog then you probably know my opinions on love, religion, family, politics, art, sports, and just about everything else. Those who have read my blog for the past five years know some of the most intimate facts about me. Well, here are a few more.

I am not perfect. I am romantic. I write poetry. I work out. I cook. I buy roses and jewelry for no particular reason. I am that rare man who even loves shopping for clothes with my wife. I shower my loved ones with gifts and compliments. I am affectionate to a fault. You will never say, "How come we never go anywhere?" I love dinner and dancing as much as any woman and I don't skimp when I do it. A five star restaurant is fine with me. But I am still a man underneath all of that. So, for the ladies out there who have wondered what life with Wrath James White would be like, here's a look at me from my wife's perspective.

1.) I bite my fingernails and spit them just about everywhere.
2.) Occassionally, I even bite my toenails.
3.) I shave my face and head and sometimes forget to wash the hairs off the bathroom sink.
4.) I don't like turning on the bathroom light when I get up in the middle of the night to use the toilet so sometimes I miss.
5.) I sometimes pass gas in my sleep.
6.) I am not a handyman. I won't change the car's oil or build you a nice set of shelves but I'll happily pay someone else to do it.
7.) I am not the fishing, camping, hunting type. I'm a city boy through and through.
8.) I often think I'm right and usually am. Hey, I was a compulsive reader in my youth. I read a book a day until I was nearly thirty. I know some shit. If you aren't certain about your info than don't start the argument, especially when it comes to areas where you know I know my shit.
9.) When it comes to things I don't know shit about I sometimes find it hard to fake interest. We live in the information age, generally, unless its something new like a recent scientific or medical breakthrough or some kind of current event, if I was interested in it I'd already know a lot about it.
10.) I'm still a sex addict. So, "Let's just cuddle tonight." is still kind of hard for me.
11.) I don't do dishes. I cook. You clean. Deal? Deal.
12.) I don't do bathrooms. I know. I know. I'm the guy who sometimes misses the toilet but I won't clean the damn thing? Can't I just buy you jewelry instead?
13.) I don't like team sports and have no interest in hearing about the exploits of your favorite baseball, football, basketball, or hockey team or player unless he just killed somebody. (see #9.)

So there you have it. I know, That was thirteen. See, I'm not perfect. I can be as much of a neanderthal as any man. And, in case you were thinking it, men don't change. We try, but underneath it all we are still the same. So I may turn on the bathroom light every night for six nights straight but on the seventh night I'm back to shooting in the dark. Did I mention I leave the toilet seat up? Damn, I'm a mess.