Monday, September 30, 2013

Must Love Horror

Well, another relationship has come to an end. My wife of seven years and I are calling it quits. Irreconcilable differences. Some might say: "Well, duh! You guys were as different as night and day!" And you would be absolutely correct. So, I have decided to try something new this time. I am going to look for someone who is actually compatible with me. I'm going to stick to my guns and wait until I find someone who fits all my needs, and who I compliment as well, before getting serious with anyone again.

So, you might ask, what would such a woman be like? There are ten distinct and sometimes conflicting facets to my personality and I am looking for the woman who has the same or similar traits.

1.) I am a creative person who loves art, literature, and music and my life revolves quite a bit around my writing, which is extreme, and brutal, and horrific, and sexual. Whoever I am with should love art and literature and horror as much as I do. That means foreign films (Subtitles? Oh no!) That means art museums and art galleries and poetry readings and horror conventions and small press horror novels. Oh, and it would be nice if she loved Hip-hop and Reggae and Blues and old Motown and Soul and Funk and Punk and Hardcore and Goth and Alternative Music in general and Classical and Prince. Yes, she must love His Royal Badness.

2.) I am a father who loves his three children. Emotionally and financially, their needs come first. If a woman is jealous of my kids, well, she won't last long.

3.) I am athletic and I enjoy working out and living healthy, be that running, biking, weight lifting, or skipping fried food and red meat in favor of a kale salad. I don't smoke or use drugs or drink excessively and I am not interested in anyone who does. I watch fights religiously. I hang out with fighters because I was a fighter. Again, if she can't handle that, we probably won't get along very well.

4.) I work in a very corporate environment and I work a lot. I do not have a 9 to 5 job, more like 7am  to 5 or 6 or 7pm and sometimes weekends. There are things my job requires me to do (company functions etc.) that sometimes involve bringing my significant other along. Whoever I end up with needs to be able to function in that environment as well. She should be as comfortable in an evening gown as in a tank top and shorts.

5.) I am a momma's boy. I call my grandmother every weekend and my mother as often as I can. If momma needs me, I am there. When I can afford it, I lavish gifts upon them because they helped make me who I am and they will be and have been there when others have come and gone. They deserve it. If a woman is jealous about my relationship with my mom or grandmom, that is something I just could not tolerate.

6.) I am a sex addict. I am a recovering sex addict, but a sex addict nonetheless. That's part of who I am and will always be. So, if you are sexually inhibited, if you only like sex once a week or once a month and only in one or two positions, avoid me. Seriously, please, save us both the frustration. I am also a glutton for affection. I like to kiss and cuddle A LOT. I want to be that couple that makes other couples sick because we are always kissing and hugging and complimenting each other and because we have great sex damned-near everyday.

7.) I am from the streets. I grew up in Philadelphia. In a ghetto. I fought on the streets A LOT. I am not a pacifist by any means. Some of my friends growing up were absolute criminals, but they were still my friends. Can you hang with that? Oh, but here's the thing, I do not carry my "street cred" on my sleeve like a badge. It's a fact, but I do not glorify it. I don't dress or act like a hoodlum and am not interested in anyone who does. I do not speak slang as a rule. "English, mutherfucker! Do you speak it?"

8.) I am an Atheist. I am not interested in anyone who still believes in fairy tales. I mean, that's cute. We can be friends, but this is a wish list and my wish is for someone a bit more rational. Agnostic? Okay. Bible thumper? No way!

9.) I am calm and reasonable and loving. Children yell and scream at each other. Adults should be perfectly capable of using a little thing called logic to work through disagreements. In other words, I am just not interested in people with severe emotional problems. I feel for you and sympathize, but I just can't have that in my life right now. Bi-polar, manic depressive, OCD, ADD, whatever the issue, I just can't have it in my life. I like to laugh and joke. I am not interested in someone who is sad and miserable all the time. I want someone I can laugh with. I'm also not impressed by women who pride themselves on being a "bitch" and wear that word like a badge of honor. It is easy to be mean and disagreeable. Being nice is harder. I want a woman who is sweet and loving and nurturing. If that's you then hit me up!

10.) And last, but certainly not least, I am a goddamn liberal and proud of it. Someone once said, "If you weren't a liberal when you were young then you have no heart and if you aren't a conservative when you are older then you have no mind." I agree with the first part of that. The social issues that are trod under foot by the Republican Party are so significant that, in my opinion, you have to be one selfish, heartless, sonofabitch to vote Republican. I am looking for someone loving and sensitive. I don't care if you call yourself a "Fiscal Conservative". If you are willing to vote against gay rights and other civil rights legislation, assistance for the poor, women's rights, immigration, environmental conservation, and a slew of other important issues just to pad your wallet, then I am not interested.

Early on in my life, I decided that I was just too complex (weird) to ever find an absolute match so, if a woman could relate to at least four or five of those ten things, than that was good enough. Turns out, I was wrong. It wasn't good enough. This is an all or nothing proposition. Every last one of those things I listed is a major part of me and will become a big deal over time.This time, they have to be non-negotiable.

Notice I haven't listed any physical characteristics yet? That's because those are the only things that I am flexible on. Do I have a wish list in that regard? Damn straight I do, but if a woman meets all the above criteria, the rest of this list hardly matters. But since you asked...

I like large breasts, thick hips and thighs, and big round asses. I like women that look undeniably female. I'm not saying they have to be chubby, but curvaceous. I am not very attracted to stick figures. But, as I said, the mind is far more important than the body. If we are emotionally and intellectually compatible then you will probably be one sexy motherfucker to me. That said, I would prefer that your voluptuous bosoms are not sitting atop an equally voluminous stomach. I would prefer it, but it isn't a deal breaker. If you like to work out and eat healthy, we can work on that stomach. And if it's there to stay, that's cool too, as long as you have those ten personality traits, I doubt I'd even notice after a while and I may even come to love that belly.

What else do I like? I have a soft spot for dimples, pretty smiles, big, beautiful eyes, smooth skin, wide noses, and soft hands. I like jogging in the park, bike rides at sunset, gourmet meals, cuddling in bed and watching horror movies, discussing a good book, going to a lecture on atheism, charity runs and bike races, taking the kids to the movies or out for ice cream, taking the dogs for a walk in the park, bubble baths, shopping, going to fights, outdoor food festivals, romantic evenings at home, deep, passionate kissing and deep, passionate sex. Know anyone like that?


Anonymous said...

Mr White, I am a huge fan of your novels & look forward to reading your blog (since the day you started in fact). I had a very graphic & vivid dream about you last night, the most erotic I've ever had! I only wish I lived in the United States so I could see if I fit your very specific criteria; not that you would even pick me anyway...I bet you have ladies falling at your feet everywhere you go. If you're ever in Austria to do a signing I will be there in a heartbeat. Please keep writing amazing books & good luck in your search. I have no Facebook but I follow you on Twitter. X

Anonymous said...

Keep up the good work Wrath, fan from the UK here. Your blog has as much intelligence and entertainment value as your novels! Good luck on finding a new soul mate, you're definitely a one-off, so it might take a while. :)

Kajira said...

I am the woman for you, except I am not much into cuddling.
I hope you are not a vegan. From reading "Succulent Prey", I rather doubt you are!

Wrath said...

I am deeply flattered. Unfortunately, I have a girlfriend now. And I do have my vegan moments. I am, in fact, eating vegan for the next few weeks. Otherwise, my normal lifestyle is closest to paleo. Yeah, and I am a cuddler. That would be a deal breaker for me.

esme gregson said...

Although I suspected that you would no longer be single, I am acutely disappointed. You rule.

Wrath said...

Thanks, lovely lady. I appreciate that.